Battle Uphill

Constantly counting
Touching my wrist to make sure
My fingers still touch

I'm losing control
Battling my addiction
I have to let go

False compliments make
It seem like what I'm doing
Is for good reasons

Your words don't matter
I'm convincing myself that
I am still okay

Embarrassed of this
Feeling I should know better
I can't ask for help

Sometimes

I wonder what it would be like if we could all truly speak candidly to one another.
Have a no holds barred conversation.
Without feeling like we're the bad guy.
Without having to make sure that the other person's feelings aren't hurt.
Just trying to get our points across as efficiently as we can, without loosing meaning because we're too afraid to really say what we feel.
I wish that it were easier.
But most of the time, I feel that it's a battle I'm destined to loose.
Because I'm too "PC"
Because I'm too afraid of hurting everyone else's feelings.
Because I don't want to be seen as "the bitch".
What do I do?



Cutting my tongue loose
Words escape my mouth slowly
Lost in translation

Like lava this flows
Slowly burning all in sight
Water turns to mist

many waters

Despite what you think
We are NOT the helpless kids
You think you're saving...

Jealous over my dark skin
Imitation tan
Dark or light, I always lose

Americanization
Loosing my culture
Was easier than I thought

Trying to climb the ladder
Rungs so slippery
Back to the bottom I go

Can we please just try
To break the institution
That's bringing us down?

More Haikus

Single flower in the dirt
Reaching for the sun
Trampled on by passerbys

Looking for a place to go
Mend the broken peace
Who said silence is golden?

Confusion reigns in my mind
When did this happen?
We're headed down the wrong path

Let's pretend we're together
Walking hand in hand
Waking up is such a drag

Emotions running rampant
I'm not good enough
Let's talk about something else

WHY!??

ugh.

why can't circumstances be different.
why can't I feel like what I'm feeling is okay??
is it really that bad?
is it worth me over analyzing (yet again) the situation?
it should be simple.

I like you.

there, I said it.
funny how things never go the way I think they will

More Haikus

Here are 3 more for the book

Let's talk about plates
And all our misplaced anger
Let's cut up some spoons

My one year is here
I wonder where the time went
Will I last for more?

Supply room cleaning
We keep going back to this
Let's just lock the doors

25 Things to do before I turn 25

Here's my list for the 365 days before I turn 25. I'll be happy if I get to half of these!

25 Things to do before I turn 25

1. Go back to NYC to see if my feelings changed for the city since I last went there (when I was 16)
2. Finally learn how to knit
3. Re-read The Grapes of Wrath
4. Go to 2 Broadway shows (1 in SF, 1 in NYC)
5. Publish (or print and bind) a copy of my Book of Haikus entitled SLI
6. Distribute said haiku book to local coffee shops
7. Create a scrapbook of my life since I’ve turned 20
8. Go skydiving (again!)
9. Read one of my poems at an open-mic
10. Go to 3 sporting events
11. Go camping at Big Basin for a weekend
12. Go white water rafting
13. Choose (& apply!) to a graduate school
14. Take hula dance/Polynesian dance classes
15. Act in another play
16. Learn how to silk screen clothing
17. Create a clothing/t-shirt line
18. I will NOT cut my hair for a year
19. Learn how to cook 3 new Filipino dishes
20. Learn how to use Photoshop
21. Go on a hot air balloon ride around Napa Valley
22. Go wine tasting
23. Take an art class at a junior college
24. Go to a large outside concert
25. Conquer my fear of spiders (ambitious!)