Constantly counting
Touching my wrist to make sure
My fingers still touch
I'm losing control
Battling my addiction
I have to let go
False compliments make
It seem like what I'm doing
Is for good reasons
Your words don't matter
I'm convincing myself that
I am still okay
Embarrassed of this
Feeling I should know better
I can't ask for help
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Sometimes
I wonder what it would be like if we could all truly speak candidly to one another.
Have a no holds barred conversation.
Without feeling like we're the bad guy.
Without having to make sure that the other person's feelings aren't hurt.
Just trying to get our points across as efficiently as we can, without loosing meaning because we're too afraid to really say what we feel.
I wish that it were easier.
But most of the time, I feel that it's a battle I'm destined to loose.
Because I'm too "PC"
Because I'm too afraid of hurting everyone else's feelings.
Because I don't want to be seen as "the bitch".
What do I do?
Cutting my tongue loose
Words escape my mouth slowly
Lost in translation
Like lava this flows
Slowly burning all in sight
Water turns to mist
Have a no holds barred conversation.
Without feeling like we're the bad guy.
Without having to make sure that the other person's feelings aren't hurt.
Just trying to get our points across as efficiently as we can, without loosing meaning because we're too afraid to really say what we feel.
I wish that it were easier.
But most of the time, I feel that it's a battle I'm destined to loose.
Because I'm too "PC"
Because I'm too afraid of hurting everyone else's feelings.
Because I don't want to be seen as "the bitch".
What do I do?
Cutting my tongue loose
Words escape my mouth slowly
Lost in translation
Like lava this flows
Slowly burning all in sight
Water turns to mist
Monday, July 6, 2009
many waters
Despite what you think
We are NOT the helpless kids
You think you're saving...
Jealous over my dark skin
Imitation tan
Dark or light, I always lose
Americanization
Loosing my culture
Was easier than I thought
Trying to climb the ladder
Rungs so slippery
Back to the bottom I go
Can we please just try
To break the institution
That's bringing us down?
We are NOT the helpless kids
You think you're saving...
Jealous over my dark skin
Imitation tan
Dark or light, I always lose
Americanization
Loosing my culture
Was easier than I thought
Trying to climb the ladder
Rungs so slippery
Back to the bottom I go
Can we please just try
To break the institution
That's bringing us down?
Friday, July 3, 2009
More Haikus
Single flower in the dirt
Reaching for the sun
Trampled on by passerbys
Looking for a place to go
Mend the broken peace
Who said silence is golden?
Confusion reigns in my mind
When did this happen?
We're headed down the wrong path
Let's pretend we're together
Walking hand in hand
Waking up is such a drag
Emotions running rampant
I'm not good enough
Let's talk about something else
Reaching for the sun
Trampled on by passerbys
Looking for a place to go
Mend the broken peace
Who said silence is golden?
Confusion reigns in my mind
When did this happen?
We're headed down the wrong path
Let's pretend we're together
Walking hand in hand
Waking up is such a drag
Emotions running rampant
I'm not good enough
Let's talk about something else
Thursday, July 2, 2009
WHY!??
ugh.
why can't circumstances be different.
why can't I feel like what I'm feeling is okay??
is it really that bad?
is it worth me over analyzing (yet again) the situation?
it should be simple.
I like you.
there, I said it.
funny how things never go the way I think they will
why can't circumstances be different.
why can't I feel like what I'm feeling is okay??
is it really that bad?
is it worth me over analyzing (yet again) the situation?
it should be simple.
I like you.
there, I said it.
funny how things never go the way I think they will
Monday, March 16, 2009
More Haikus
Here are 3 more for the book
Let's talk about plates
And all our misplaced anger
Let's cut up some spoons
My one year is here
I wonder where the time went
Will I last for more?
Supply room cleaning
We keep going back to this
Let's just lock the doors
Let's talk about plates
And all our misplaced anger
Let's cut up some spoons
My one year is here
I wonder where the time went
Will I last for more?
Supply room cleaning
We keep going back to this
Let's just lock the doors
Friday, March 13, 2009
25 Things to do before I turn 25
Here's my list for the 365 days before I turn 25. I'll be happy if I get to half of these!
25 Things to do before I turn 25
- Go back to NYC to see if my feelings changed for the city since I last went there (when I was 16)
- Finally learn how to knit
- Re-read The Grapes of Wrath
- Go to 2 Broadway shows (1 in SF, 1 in NYC)
- Publish (or print and bind) a copy of my Book of Haikus entitled SLI
- Distribute said haiku book to local coffee shops
- Create a scrapbook of my life since I’ve turned 20
- Go skydiving (again!)
- Read one of my poems at an open-mic
- Go to 3 sporting events
- Go camping at Big Basin for a weekend
- Go white water rafting
- Choose (& apply!) to a graduate school
- Take hula dance/Polynesian dance classes
- Act in another play
- Learn how to silk screen clothing
- Create a clothing/t-shirt line
- I will NOT cut my hair for a year
- Learn how to cook 3 new Filipino dishes
- Learn how to use Photoshop
- Go on a hot air balloon ride around Napa Valley
- Go wine tasting
- Take an art class at a junior college
- Go to a large outside concert
- Conquer my fear of spiders (ambitious!)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
My Latest Endeavor
I've decided to keep a compilation of haiku and other random poetry I come up with and put it in a book simply entitled "SLI"
First installation:
Lovely flowers bloom
Is it still not the right time?
April showers still
Forty minutes left
We're still at the first topic
invalidated
Clashing heads explode
This is just not the right time
She will always win
Many heads in room
Too much deliberation
Not enough action
Listing off some random facts
Makes them feel better
This is not reassuring
Nobody gets along here
Everyone's fake smiles
Why can't we all be real?
You have a beautiful voice
It can move mountains
Your crisp words flow through the breeze
Gloomy day it's raining tears
Where did your smile go?
Lonely worm crawling back home
Met your intense gaze last night
Eyes bright, strong pose- clear
Cutting through the crowd's open soul
A beautiful disaster
Are you really here?
Wrapped in shrouds of mystery
First installation:
Lovely flowers bloom
Is it still not the right time?
April showers still
Forty minutes left
We're still at the first topic
invalidated
Clashing heads explode
This is just not the right time
She will always win
Many heads in room
Too much deliberation
Not enough action
Listing off some random facts
Makes them feel better
This is not reassuring
Nobody gets along here
Everyone's fake smiles
Why can't we all be real?
You have a beautiful voice
It can move mountains
Your crisp words flow through the breeze
Gloomy day it's raining tears
Where did your smile go?
Lonely worm crawling back home
Met your intense gaze last night
Eyes bright, strong pose- clear
Cutting through the crowd's open soul
A beautiful disaster
Are you really here?
Wrapped in shrouds of mystery
A poem for Andrea
You rock my world
Hearing your voice echo through the thick crowd
I hear only your true soul
speaking to me
My broken wings mended
Open wounds draped with
loving tenderness
Your soft words speak of truths most people don't want to hear
But you deliver it with such intention
I can't help but listen
absorb all your memories, passions, hurts, loss
lonely nights sitting in your room
writing lyrics to this ever present song we all dance to
When I first saw you
I felt so giddy
Like a little school girl with her first crush
I wanted to know everything about you
Wanted to reach out and touch you
because for a moment, I felt we were connected
Your stories echoed through me as if I
were there when you first put pen to paper
and decided that you're telling this story
about a little girl who wanted to see heaven
Or a little boy who wanted to escape the pain
of war and return home
Or of a mother swollen shut from her grief of having lost a son to a war painted by politicians.
Your words are beautiful
Telling the story for those who can't tell their own
You were my escape, my saving grace
Through turbulent times I would remember your words
echoing through the distance
Lost love letters to a person I once was
Reminding me of moments once cherished
Times once happy and memories yet to be made
You helped me come out
of the tight gripping closet I placed myself into
because I thought people wouldn't love me
because I'm not gay enough, straight enough, small enough, fat enough, smart enough
enough
Enough with the bullshit, you are straight to the point
You placed your words on my shoulder that night I first saw you
and saved me
Your fire ignited my soul again
Tonight I told you to never stop what you're doing
And I mean it
for all of us who can't/wont/dont say what we want to say
You're there,
Like Isis with her wings spread wide
You are a symbol of hope for many
Hearing your voice echo through the thick crowd
I hear only your true soul
speaking to me
My broken wings mended
Open wounds draped with
loving tenderness
Your soft words speak of truths most people don't want to hear
But you deliver it with such intention
I can't help but listen
absorb all your memories, passions, hurts, loss
lonely nights sitting in your room
writing lyrics to this ever present song we all dance to
When I first saw you
I felt so giddy
Like a little school girl with her first crush
I wanted to know everything about you
Wanted to reach out and touch you
because for a moment, I felt we were connected
Your stories echoed through me as if I
were there when you first put pen to paper
and decided that you're telling this story
about a little girl who wanted to see heaven
Or a little boy who wanted to escape the pain
of war and return home
Or of a mother swollen shut from her grief of having lost a son to a war painted by politicians.
Your words are beautiful
Telling the story for those who can't tell their own
You were my escape, my saving grace
Through turbulent times I would remember your words
echoing through the distance
Lost love letters to a person I once was
Reminding me of moments once cherished
Times once happy and memories yet to be made
You helped me come out
of the tight gripping closet I placed myself into
because I thought people wouldn't love me
because I'm not gay enough, straight enough, small enough, fat enough, smart enough
enough
Enough with the bullshit, you are straight to the point
You placed your words on my shoulder that night I first saw you
and saved me
Your fire ignited my soul again
Tonight I told you to never stop what you're doing
And I mean it
for all of us who can't/wont/dont say what we want to say
You're there,
Like Isis with her wings spread wide
You are a symbol of hope for many
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Andrea Gibson...
I love her.
She's coming to UCSC on February 4th for the Kinetic Poetic Poetry Slam.
She's probably one of the most amazing queer slam poets of my generation.
Here's a snippet from her book, "Slow Dancing to Gospel Hymns"
Blue Blanket
still
there are days
when there is no way
not even a chance
that i'd dare for even a second
glance at the reflection of my body in the mirror
and she knows why
like i know why
she
only cries
when she feels like she's about to lose control
she knows how much control is worth
knows what a woman can lose
when her power to move
is taken away
by a grip so thick with hate
it could clip the wings of god
leave the next eight generations of your blood shaking
and tonight something inside me is breaking
my heart beating so deep beneath the sheets of her pain
i could give every tear she's crying
a year---a name
and a face i'd forever erase from her mind if i could
just like she would
for me
or you
I love her
She's coming to UCSC on February 4th for the Kinetic Poetic Poetry Slam.
She's probably one of the most amazing queer slam poets of my generation.
Here's a snippet from her book, "Slow Dancing to Gospel Hymns"
Blue Blanket
still
there are days
when there is no way
not even a chance
that i'd dare for even a second
glance at the reflection of my body in the mirror
and she knows why
like i know why
she
only cries
when she feels like she's about to lose control
she knows how much control is worth
knows what a woman can lose
when her power to move
is taken away
by a grip so thick with hate
it could clip the wings of god
leave the next eight generations of your blood shaking
and tonight something inside me is breaking
my heart beating so deep beneath the sheets of her pain
i could give every tear she's crying
a year---a name
and a face i'd forever erase from her mind if i could
just like she would
for me
or you
I love her
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Damn...
I wrote this haiku while I was in a meeting.
Obamanation
I hope he makes it through the
Inauguration
Isn't that sad that I'm worried about our President-Elect making it through his inauguration safely?
Obamanation
I hope he makes it through the
Inauguration
Isn't that sad that I'm worried about our President-Elect making it through his inauguration safely?
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